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Theres this thing I hold inside ,it haunts my mind,my memories and my dreams.Its called regret I guess.I try to change the present yet I feel burdened by what I could not change before.And I cant stop wondering what-if.How would that reality had been if things had been different? would it be better? would the inevitable ending change?

Sometimes you go through events,relationships or situations that you know wont last forever.You feel it in your heart a clock is ticking.You know it wont work out even if you want to.Often its not about fatalism or having a wrong attitude as it is knowing thats not the person for you.Your heart wants them but alas your heart is being carried away.When the timer goes off and it ends at first you experience closure.I remember feeling free and surprised at the same time.I could not imagine a world in which he did not exist I assumed Id see him again..that down the road wed find ourselves some place better.He made me feel emotionally burdened and confused at the end..but he was also a friend,there were so many good moments.He always took care of me when I was ill.Despite our fights he always came through when I needed him.So I felt free as one often does when your emotions arent controlling you anymore..When the anxiety that often accompanied seeing him is gone.I slept better ,I felt relieeved and not seeing him for a while felt.."right"?

And on came his birthday in which it felt so wrong not to call him when he had remembered mine,and one ,two,three..five months passed by.It became as though he had never existed.I wouldnt see him by accident anywhere.I would look out for his car,which was an old model on the streets and would find so many similar ones but never his.I found myself missing him but I also found myself unable to keep everything that tied me to him.The letters I had held so close to my heart now only brought me pain as they no longer seemed to hold any truth,reading them brought back crushed hopes,questions that I could no longer ask..So I took each one and tore it apart.It was another form of closure.

It was the questions..that brought him back to my mind.And the what ifs.What if things had been different..would he have stayed in my life longer?.What if we had remained only friends?What if I had given a better testimony would that have made any difference at all? What if those letters had never been written? and so many other questions.My logic,my friends,some browsings at psychology books gave me answers but they werent satisfying.The truth was he was damaged in a more profund way that I was and two damaged people dont go together unless they both aspire to healing. I'vee been healing slowly throughout the years and I aspire to being fully healed.I do believe that your past doesnt have to define your future.I believe in forgiveness for choosing hatred can only destroy the one who feels it rather than the one who deserves it.I believe in fighting for hope.But he doesnt believe in any of those things.I remind myself of that every day.

So you might ask ..then why the burden? Well,he was also my friend.And as much as the conviction of making the right choice gives me strenght I cannot change the fact that I miss him.That maybe in vain I will always hope and pray that he does change his mind,that he allows himself to have a better life than the one he has.But that the heart is messy and that he sneaks in to my dreams maybe because my subconcious is not ready to let him go.A part of me seeks to hold on to those memories .That I want to do what Dom does to Mal at the end of Inception ..I want to let him go.For in time my memories of him will become shadows of who he was..

Missing him,dreaming of what-ifs that will never be was my secret.I didnt admit it to anyone until today.But i express it as a means to let it go..to no longer feel pressured by that.I've had my closure so what else can I hope for?

I do not know.I pray in time this remaining feeling will fade.But I do hope I get to see him again one day even if it it is from afar just to know he's okay and hopefully happier.I wish him happiness no matter where he is...I wish him redemption. And one day this wont be a burden anymore.I choose to let go until I finally do.



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Jan. 27th, 2011 01:22 pm (UTC)
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