I have so many emotions running through me.I feel like im in a carousel,at least my heart.But I think ive been afraid to live for far too long.And I dont wanna wake up to the same realities.May God help me... I just need to experience new things..need to feel like life is more than just work and the eternal burden of responsibility...

I've noticed a few signs of aging that are favorable though.God has given me more understanding of things I was in the dark about before.He blesses me w new opportunities and challenges for growth..I think he wants me to be a teacher.And I think through that he will sculpt me into the person he wants me to be..To top it off ,ore people are getting saved..finally our youth group is filling up..its refreshing to see,I hope they remain.I hope those who left come back..some of them were like the family I never had and it hurts me to see them the way some of them are now.Trapped in some vice or other.. =(

*sigh*

On better news Ive been drawing again.It has been therapeutic and praise the Lord im moving forward musically.must show off photos of my musical baby(the cello) soon =D after wanting it for over 5 years i finally received the opportunity to learn. =D

I was chatting with my youth pastor and she brought up something that I hadnt stopped to think about.She talked about how we spend so much time focusing over our future career that we spend most of our youth doing something that's not for God or for blessing others with His message .A couple years ago it used to be that you got a bachelor degree and that meant job opportunities.Now Doctoral degrees are the new bachelor degrees.Our education costs are rising with the advantages and need of resources and technology.Our education begins since we are very little extending itself throughout our lives and If we ever stop to look for the mirror for a second we have become professionals,maybe human beings but not always better christians.When God speaks of eternal life it is indeed owerful and touching but some of us make our whole lives about something else:the aquiscition of power.Because isnt knowledge power?

And hereby if we count how much time we spent with God in our lives its significantly lower than the tiem we spent on tv or studying for those crazy finals.I think thats why as the times progress God is calling a lot of youth to him.So that we wont make that mistake.

Its like a gigantic gravitational pull between two things.

I personally have had this in my mind for a while ever since she told me.I take on 7 classes per semester ,over 20 extracurriclar activities,+ sleep hours when I cant take it anymore and then theres church twice a week and homework in the remaining hours coupled with house chores.Its an extreme schedule and after 4 years of it I find myself a tad exhausted specially when despite all my overachievng I feel directionless.

Its something to think about.Its not something that can be done in a day but it requires constancy..the beginning of ..What did I do for God today?

Im slowly learning.. God bless.

Another thanksgiving has passed and while many criticize the commercial and historic aspect of the holiday there is a traditional aspect of it that i like very much.I once heard an old man say that people hold on to traditions because while a lot of thing change a holiday is a reminder of the things that don't.So even thoug I didn't have turkey i like the idea of spending it with family,giving thanks and having a free day to rejoice every now and then.

This year Im deeply grateful for:

being alive.
the healing God ha brought into my life and family
His love and forgiveness made present every day
my lovable friends christian and non-christian
being part of making music come alive
singing
moving forward with my guitar playing
having the chance to remain in college
my hands,my eyes,my legs
my gifts
the laughter
the growth
the books

its been an interesting year.
and so much more..

That truth will get me through this.I live in victory because he loves me :)

Tres means super in french.Anyway God has given me many blessings so far which include me getting to be a music tutor to get some teaching experience early on.Studying to become a teacher is scary to me but it will also help me grow.

On other news I got persecuted by an abandoned white dog.It was scary cause it kept following me around and looking sad.Eventually I got home and closed the door on it.After yesterdays nightmare which involved me getting pregnant for some reason that makes no sense Im feeling little bit anxious .The dog did not help that.It does make for a funny anecdote though.

More on my adventures later
God Bless You

I can't trust my emotions unless they are lined up to God's word.In other news my guitar is BACK :D (i want to get better at it to honor God w my musical talent ).Making music is awesomeee..Im finally starting my courses to be a music teacher,its challenging and scary but its interesting to see how it turns out.

I will suceed in God's name.I have trouble updating my internet has gone psycho but schools good.Random but Im never lending my guitar EVER again.

God is good,my body not so much.We sang at a choir activity which had its good moments..and its bad ones too.I got a kick ass migraine that almost made me faint in the middle of the parking lot pavement but thank God I dindt faint.After that I had a breakdown because that migraine messes up my emotional system.LOLI still have a headache lingering in me though.I didn't have classes except for counterpoint which I love.Music like art has the ability to make me hope for a future even when everything else tells me I wont.It does because it reminds me that God gave me something good for a purpose.And that must mean I do have a future.

Things I did learn today despite taking only one class:

- Im afraid I cant sing after certain hours if I am too exhausted.
- People react awfully to change even if its for the best.
- Solitude has followed me faithfully since I was a kid and I still havent gotten used to it.
- There are some people that no matter how hard you try,you'll never be able to be good friends with.Even as a christian you wont be able to.Because there is a wall created there by badass destiny that cant be torn down.You try and you fail. So the truth is that guy and me well pretend to be friends but we might never be able to have a normal friendship and ...
- There is such a thing as an almost impossible situation.
-God will always be there for you.
-There is such a thing as a God that can do the impossible.
-Learning detachment is the best thing you can do.
-Praise the Lord for good friends.They'll leave like everyone does but at least they came :)

I feel very sad today..the migraine makes me emotional.I cant wait to be normal again.

August 2008 has arrived.For me it means college and a fresh start.One of the best things for me about college is that every semester is a new set of challenges because of the new classes.As an added theres always that feeling that if you give your best by the end of the semester you will have moved one step forward in your life.

I've got Counterpoint as part of my music major. Counterpoint is the relationship between two or more voices that are independent in contour and rhythm, and interdependent in harmony .Its kind of what happens when you have two lines of instruments playing a different rhythim in one song. ;) Its exciting for us music geeks.I've been reading the book and it says one you master two voice counterpoint you should be fine.I hope to God that happens. :D

This summer has been full of little gems of blessing.Im in a better church that helps me grow more in many ways,I was able to go to my best friends wedding which was amazing,I did a few trips around and I caught some movies on the big screen.

Iron Man was one of the best for me although i haven't been able to watch the Dark Knight.I like superhero stories because of at the core of it there is a character that has to allow himself to be transformed in order to be better not just for himself but for others.I love the character's journey and in this movie its done very well.Iron Man's redemptive moment comes off convincingly and touching and once he turns his talents for good we see he has a heart that was buried beneath a lot of ego.I like that he still keeps stuff from his old ways cause it wouldn't be realistic if he changed completely.It makes him human and I look forward to seeing him as a hero.

This movie helped me awaken my superhero craze and I ended up watching Superman and Batman films.Im trying to decide which human superhero I like best.I like that for Batman is mostly intelligence instead of a strange gift but at the same time a little more sci-fi is always fun.


I also caught Wall-E really sweet romantic and tender film.I didn't like it though because of the romantic elements in it.It brings up memories of my biggest wish.

Whenever I am able to sing the following lyric "At last my love has come along..my lonely days are over..and LIFE is like a SONGG..ohh yeah " - Etta James "At Last" I willl remember to do something extreme for God as thank you because not even I have the imagination of seeing that dream become true.But i know Jesus will heal my heart,I trust he will and I'll be able to love properly again.Until then..

Spiritually: Throughout this summer I was also able to make a choice.Choosing to trust God in my darkest moment.Im learning to die to my own way,to develop self-control in order to do what God has called me to do.There will be war but I also know the victory is worth the battle ,praise you Lord.

If you’re interested, you’ll do what’s convenient; if you’re committed, you’ll do whatever it takes.

~ John Assaraf

I This song is beautiful..just read the lyrics.

( I can trust you - Rebecca St.James )

So,Im going to challenge myself to write more frequently around here.Change has been a huge theme for me this year.I had to let go of some friendships,take ome risks,develop hardworking skills,let go of addictions and commit to staying healthy emotionally and spiritually.And Im not even close to the IDEAL place in which I've grown so much I don't get to go to sleep feeling slightly guilty cause I didn't give a 150% on the developing of my talents for God's glory.But if you press the start button,if you commit,everyday its a desicion.

Getting to the point here,I have some projects this summer.Since writing is really therapeutic to me ,Im going to be showcasing those projects here and sharing some of my work.
Take care.

The more you worship God,the more you are fighting for Him to come into your life and set you free.The act of worship is spiritual warfare! just learned that! Worship is truly powerful.When you feel like worshiping dont ever keep it inside! You must let out so that the blesing can come through even if you dont see it the moment youre walking in victory! VICTORY!

Thanks God for this.

I found this as a New Year resolution thing but I wanted to do it as an End f Semester thig.Cause every semester at the university feels like a year ..so much happens so much changes before our eyes and we don't realize those moments are never coming back.So much blessing i want to constantly remind myself of.

1. What are you grateful for? What were some gifts, blessings, miracles that came into your life this year?Perhaps it was someone you’ve met, or something you’ve learned. What are you thankful for?

I've been blessed with remarkable teacher,an opportunity to be a better singer,a better musician,true friends,the fallout of a toxic friendship,my release from a damaging emotional tie,the answer to a prayer,seeing God use people to show me how much he still loved me even after my mistakes,God's company,healthy body,more music.Good times spent w family and friends.


2. If you had one wish, what would it be? If you could have one wish come true, what do you want most?

To know which Church God wants me in and to be able to get to it soon enough.i miss going church,i need it.

You know how my heart betrays me.But I know that if you don't want him for me..my heart's stubborness wont be able to stand against you and you will take him out of my heart.I trust your power to be bigger than my desire and I will wait for you and honor you..please set me free.

I want to want what YOU want. =)

God makes choices he doesn't take back.So,when he chose to love you he made an eternal commitment to you.His love for you,no matter what WILL NEVER END.GOD is in love with you.Nothing has the power to change that.

A little while ago I decided to drop this but every now and then something happens and O have to go back.This journal is like a room I go to sometimes just to release tension.It ought to be something more I know.Thats why it doesn't flow.

I'm sorry for that.Im being powerfully processed by God.This year has been incredibly not normal for me because I've seen God release me from ties and give me the MATURITY to choose to do the right things so that his purposes on my life can come to pass.And that's a huge blessing but im soo human at time the worst in me has gotten out.God hasn't left me (PRAISE HIM) and I know and constantly keep in mind that he knew this would happen and it will work out for good as I keep letting him in despite the struggles.

Its such a war.God is giving me understanding I never had a before.I've begun learning so much about commitment ,to Him and to HIS purposes.Commitment is really hard for me because I was abused and deeply rejected for most of my youth and grew up with a lot of resentments unwilling to commit because I could not see anything better coming in the future.Before I allowe GOD to come in I was really messy.It's been such a short time (2 years in March 10) yet God has changed my life's direction in a radical way.

I didn't have direction and he gave me a path to follow His path for me.
Im learning so im far from ok.I don't always deal with the tests nicely.I've been harboring anger towards a sensitive area of my life that was being tested but Im accepting that God is letting it happen to make me stronger in it.

Since im learning so much about comittment I am not always able to post or lead life the way I did before but maybe that's just what He wants.And that is great ;)

You love me so much you won't let me give up.You know something i don't and I cant see.You KNOW this gets to have a happy ending.We get to have it.

Why can't i allow myself believe?.Why do I fight you.

Everyday you show me you love me.Im so undeserving.

I long for the day when I can see the sun again.

It's messy lately.Mi net cracked and I was a month without it.Im back online now thank God cause I have many projects I need the net for.Life has gotten busy for me which I love most of the time.IM MOVING FORWARD!

No more of not knowing what to do with my life.No more ties with ill-fated relatiosnhips.This year its messy but I've never been so free of me and my past.

My friends are all going through some pretty big hardships as I am too.But it all brings us back to God.May His will be done no matter what.

I dunno what to do with this journal anymore though.Like I feeel it has lost its point.Im growing which means I'll get better at understanding God's word but no one really read this.I don't know.Maybe its time to start again with a different focus or something I dunno.Im still being shaped.

I'll be back.